Psychologists often have to work with the same agonizing question:
"What should I do when my mind says one thing and my heart says another?"
"What should I do when my mind says one thing and my heart says another?"
However, the very way this question is framed contains a fundamental mistake. In order to find an effective path to decision-making, we first need to clarify the key concepts.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE BRAIN, THE INTELLECT AND THE MIND
The first place to start is a linguistic analysis. We are used to operating with the notions of "mind" and "heart," but they conceal a certain confusion. Let’s examine three concepts.
- The brain is our physical organ, just like the heart; it is the foundation, but not the source, of our decisions.
- The intellect is a function of the brain, our inner logician. It perceives and processes information and strives for clear, unambiguous answers: right/wrong, black/white.
Its main task is to eliminate contradictions and find the single correct answer from its point of view. It is an excellent tool for situations with clear rules: for example, not crossing the street on a red light. - The mind is the next stage of our evolution; it is the ability to work with contradictions. It does not deny the logic of the intellect, but uses it as a foundation for deeper analysis, engaging intuition, emotional intelligence, and personal experience.
The mind allows us to hold two opposing ideas at the same time and synthesize them into new, wiser knowledge.
Simply put, there is a smart person (with well-developed logic), and there is a mindful one.
We strive for the latter. It is mindfulness that allows us to be flexible, understanding, and to make balanced decisions in complex life situations where there is no and cannot be one clear-cut answer.
Thus, the classic conflict between "mind and heart" is, in fact, a conflict between the intellect (our rigid logic and beliefs) and desires/feelings (what we conventionally attribute to the "heart"). Reconciling them is precisely the task of the mind.
HOW THIS WORKS IN REAL LIFE
Example 1. Personal relationships
A man is late for a date. A woman with a rigid (inflexible) intellect instantly delivers a verdict based on a deep-seated belief: "If he’s late, it means he doesn’t respect me. That’s it, the relationship is over."
Her intellect says, "This is unacceptable!" while her feelings and desire to be with this person scream, "It's possible!" A painful split arises.
What does the mind do?
It asks questions. "Why was he late? Maybe he was nervous, worried about making a good impression, and that caused the delay? Does his lateness directly reflect his feelings toward me?"
The mind analyzes the context, brings in empathy, and finds an explanation that does not lie on the surface of black-and-white logic. This does not mean it always justifies, — it investigates.
Example 2. Business and leadership
A leader with a rigid (inflexible) intellect sees that an employee has failed to complete a task. The logical conclusion: "He's incompetent. Not in the right position. He should be fired."
The intellect looks for someone to blame and a simple solution.
A mindful leader, however, engaging emotional intelligence, will ask: "Was the task even feasible? Did the employee have all the necessary resources and information? Could the problem lie in the task-setting system that I created?"
Here, reason does not merely see a malfunctioning cog, but examines the entire system.
THE THREE “ELEPHANTS” OF OUR THINKING
Often, inner conflict intensifies because we get stuck for a long time in one of three types of thinking, excluding the others. I call them the "three elephants."
Spiritual (“inner silence”)
Immersion in meditation, the pursuit of higher vibrations, withdrawal from "earthly" matters.
The danger: this kind of thinking becomes a form of avoiding reality, everyday problems and difficulties that cause fear and anxiety. A person hides behind a veil of "enlightenment," escaping real life in all its diversity.
Logic-and-achievement-oriented
A focus solely on results, success and career. “I am my success.”
The danger: a person fixates on the "shop window" of his life (social media, status, bank balance), losing connection with the process and with their true feelings. This is often a way of masking a lack of a sense of self-worth.
Problem-and-anxiety-oriented
Fixation on fear of failure, mistakes, and insurmountable obstacles.
The danger: an unconscious refusal of opportunities. A person proves in advance to themselves and to the world that "nothing will work out," thereby paralyzing himself.
None of these "elephants" is a thinking error!
They are completely normal states. The problem arises when we "hide" in one of them for too long, switching off other parts of our personality.
They are completely normal states. The problem arises when we "hide" in one of them for too long, switching off other parts of our personality.
HOW TO FIND BALANCE AND ACTIVATE THE MIND
So how do we get out of the dead end and learn to make decisions that take both logic and feelings into account?
Notice the imbalance. This is the foundation of everything. If you are drifting too far into spirituality, ask yourself: "How does my immersion in higher matters help me solve everyday tasks? Is everything in order in my real life? Am I discussing pressing issues with those close to me?"
If you are stuck in logic and achievement, ask: "Am I too focused on results and the external "shop window"? What do I feel during the process of moving toward my goal?" Start listing your resources: knowledge, skills, experience, social connections.
This helps stop compensating for a lack of self-worth through endless achievements.
If you are paralyzed by anxiety, change your psycholinguistic. Instead of "Nothing will work out" ask: "What is the smallest, microscopic step I can take right now toward what I want, despite my fear?"
Answer honestly: what opportunities, actions or directions are you denying yourself because of fear? Simply acknowledge this. Awareness of your inner state is already 50% of the solution.
Life is not about finding one single correct path. It is about the ability to flexibly shift between states, noticing when we stay too long in one of them while ignoring other parts of our integrated personality.
HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE INTELLECT AND FEELINGS
Making friends with the intellect and feelings does not mean choosing one over the other. It means noticing inner discomfort and developing the mind, which becomes a wise "director." It does not suppress either logic or emotions, but uses them as valuable data for making a holistic decision.
Remember: inner conflict is not a verdict — it is a signal.
A signal that it is time to turn on awareness, explore your deep-seated beliefs, and take a step toward becoming not just smart, but truly mindful.
And for inspiration, here are two quotes on the subject:
1
"Making friends with the intellect and emotions is easy: just explain to emotions that panic is not a strategy, and to the intellect that life without feelings looks like technical support."
2
"My intellect and my emotions have reached an agreement: it doesn’t dramatize, and they don’t make decisions after 11 p.m."
Invite Elina Landman
as a speaker
as a speaker
To request Elina Landman as a speaker for your upcoming event, please feel free to reach out via email: mail@landmanelina.com.
Elina looks forward to the opportunity to contribute to the success of your professional forum and engage with your audience in a meaningful way.
Elina looks forward to the opportunity to contribute to the success of your professional forum and engage with your audience in a meaningful way.
CONTACT
Fill out the form and or contact me
via the contacts below.
via the contacts below.
By clicking on the button, you consent to the processing of personal data and agree to the privacy policy