Sometimes losing your previous bearings is more frightening than the need to change something itself. At such moments, it is especially easy to feel lost and decide that you urgently need to find a new meaning in life.
This article offers practical recommendations for those going through such a period.
Before we move on to the "instruction manual," allow me a small provocation. You know, there is a wise thought (unfortunately, I don’t remember the author): "Try to love life rather than search for meanings in it." And there is a profound truth in this.
In my practice, there is a simple test of sincerity.
When a daughter tells her mother, "I love him!", the mother almost always asks, "But what do you love about him?" If the daughter starts listing things: "He's handsome, smart, well-off" (that is, produces a list of "meanings" and reasons), unfortunately, this is most often not about love.
When a daughter tells her mother, "I love him!", the mother almost always asks, "But what do you love about him?" If the daughter starts listing things: "He's handsome, smart, well-off" (that is, produces a list of "meanings" and reasons), unfortunately, this is most often not about love.
True love cannot be explained by a list. It consists of a thousand moments. The same is true of life: true meaning does not exist on the plane of "achieved/not achieved"; it is born from love for the process itself.
However, as a psychologist, I understand that when you are burned out or going through a crisis, the phrase "just love it" sounds almost mocking. So let’s return to practice.
What should you do if your old bearings no longer work?
1
Separate values from goals
We often confuse these concepts, and this is at the root of our frustration.
A goal is a specific point on the map: "I want to become a department head," "I want to buy an apartment," or even "I want to start a family."
A goal can be achieved or not achieved. If you have hit a wall and cannot achieve your goal, you feel like a failure.
Values are your inner direction.
It is not about "what to have," but about "who to be."
It is not about "what to have," but about "who to be."
For example, a value may be "I want to care for others," "I want to grow," or "I want to influence the world."
Values are stable. They stay with us throughout our lives; they simply change their form.
At 20, you may express the value of caring through raising children. At 40 — through helping loved ones. At 50 — through mentoring.
At 20, you may express the value of caring through raising children. At 40 — through helping loved ones. At 50 — through mentoring.
The task is not to invent new values (you cannot invent them; they are already inside you), but to find a new way to express them.
2
Start looking not for inspiration, but for engagement
This is the most important point. We sit and wait for a star to fall, for the muse to come, or for a revelation to happen. Don’t wait. Inspiration is a capricious guest, while inner engagement is a physical state.
Conduct an experiment for a week. Track not your thoughts, but your body.
-
After which activities does your neck relax, your shoulders straighten, and your breathing become easier? - After which activities do you feel relief, even if you are tired?
This is where your new bearing lies. It is not about a "great purpose"; it is about the signal "I am alive, I am here." Write down these moments. It is precisely from them, like pieces of a construction set, that new meanings are formed.
3
Try to test hypotheses without turning your life upside down
Very often, during a crisis, we are overwhelmed by the desire to quit everything and pursue a new calling. Don’t do it abruptly. Treat a new meaning as a scientific hypothesis.
Want to change careers? Don’t quit your job. Set aside some time (for example, an hour a day or one project) for a trial activity.
Your task is not to "find your true self" once and for all, but to understand whether you feel comfortable in this new "outfit."
Your task is not to "find your true self" once and for all, but to understand whether you feel comfortable in this new "outfit."
Sometimes the value of health, which you began to cultivate during a crisis (visits to doctors, sports, massages), unexpectedly develops into starting a business in the wellness sector. This happens naturally, without forcing yourself.
4
Give up the words "forever" and "must"
The most toxic thing you can do while searching for yourself
is to make a decision for the rest of your life.
is to make a decision for the rest of your life.
"I have decided once and for all." This weighs down on you like an unbearable burden.
Allow yourself temporary bearings. Not "Who am I?" but "What do I want to do over the next three months?" I want to restore my strength, regain my curiosity, and see what I enjoy. Removing the pressure of a "global mission" is already half the battle.
5
Rewrite your "musts"
Before looking for new meanings, conduct an "audit" of your old beliefs. We often have rigid rules sitting in our heads: "I must achieve my goal," "I have no right to make mistakes," "I don’t deserve to rest until I’ve done everything."
Write these rules down on a sheet of paper.
- Ask yourself: whose voice is this? Your mother’s, your teacher’s, society’s?
- Does this rule help you live, or does it merely drain your energy?
Now rewrite it.
- For example, instead of "I have no right to make a mistake," write "Everyone has the right to make mistakes; it is experience."
- Instead of "I must work without rest" - "Rest is a pause that allows me to choose the right path."
As soon as you loosen the grip of the old rules, it becomes easier for new meanings to take root.
Returning to our metaphor of love: new meanings are not a point on a map that needs to be found. They are more like gardening. You already have the seeds (your values). The soil (your life) has not gone anywhere.
Sometimes you simply need to loosen the soil, remove the stones of old "musts," and water it with small experiments on yourself.
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