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I often lose my temper and start shouting when my children don’t listen or respond the first time. How can I learn self-regulation, and which "active listening" techniques work best (I've tried breathing — it doesn’t help)?
When we lose control and start shouting, it is almost never really about the child not listening. It’s about our own vulnerability in that moment, when we feel unheard and powerless, as if we cannot influence the situation or stay connected with the child. In such moments, a son or daughter does not truly hear the words, but they feel the intensity of the tension.
And that only further destroys the connection. The key is not so much in techniques as in restoring contact with the child.
Let’s break down how to do this step by step:
1
When addressing your child, it’s important to be present not only verbally but physically. First, approach him, make eye contact, and simply feel that you are together.
2
Try to express your request calmly and briefly, without unnecessary explanations.
3
Wait for a moment — silently, without walking away. Feel that the child has heard you.
4
Clarify whether everything is understood. Do this without pressure or obligation as if you were clarifying something with a friend. This helps the child feel that they are not being ordered around, but genuinely addressed. It’s about attention.
At the same time, it is also self-care for us as adults: the time and energy spent on shouting are far greater than the 3−5 minutes needed for a calm, attentive, close conversation.
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My ten-year-old child is being ignored by classmates. He feels lonely. Should I intervene in his school life, or will that only make things worse?
Sometimes the greatest protection for a child is not parental intervention, but a quiet confidence: "You are okay".
Sergey, I understand your desire to step in. When a child is "ignored", it is experienced as social pain, and at age 10, this pain is especially acute.
What can a parent do?
Here are several steps to help reduce both your child’s anxiety and your own tension:
- Gently clarify the facts (remember: build dialogue without pressure): "In what situations are you being ignored? By whom? Is there at least one classmate you feel comfortable with?"
Often, "being ignored" involves a few dominant children rather than the entire class. And usually, there is at least one peer with whom communication is easier.
- Share your own childhood experiences. Explain that loneliness does not mean "something is wrong with me", and that friendship is a skill, a talent, and a form of care that develops over time.
Talk about your own friendships — long-term friendship stories can be very nourishing.
- Explore alternative activities outside of school. Does your child have skills, talents, or interests that can be expressed in other social environments?
This helps build new social experiences and connections with peers. The most gentle and effective support often begins not with intervention at school, but with trusting conversations at home. Then the parent becomes not only a protector, but also a person who has faced difficulties and overcome them, because "no one is perfect".
After such conversations, the child gains confidence that he is okay, that he can be interesting to others — not to everyone, but to those who share his values. From there come attempts to build social connections independently.
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My son (7 years old) is in first grade. He used to enjoy learning, but now he cries before school and says he can’t do anything. How can I support him?
Olga, I’d like to gently draw your attention to how you phrased your question: your son is in first grade, and you say that "he used to enjoy learning". In first grade, "used to" literally means just a few months ago.
Most likely, at that time your child was experiencing something new: "I'm grown up, I’m a student". Then came the reality of expectations, assignments, evaluations, and mistakes.
It is in first grade that a child first encounters the experience of not succeeding — and this is a very vulnerable moment.
At the age of seven, children do not yet separate "I didn’t complete the task" or "I got a low score" from "I'm not capable", "I'm bad" or "I'll never succeed". So when a child says "I can’t do anything", it is not really about school — it is about fragile self-worth encountering evaluation for the first time.
The parent’s task here is not to push results, but to maintain a distinction: I love you not for your grades, but because you exist; you are valuable always. Your abilities will unfold gradually, and together we will discover what suits and interests you.
Parental love and support are the foundation of a child’s sense of worth. And it is on this foundation that expectations and limits can later be built within which children feel safe.
LEARNING IS ALWAYS A PROCESS, NOT AN INSTANT RESULT
Olga, you are afraid of becoming a "warden". Support can indeed subtly turn into control when our anxiety about a child’s success increases. Then the child may read it as: "if I’m being watched so closely, it must mean I really can’t do it".
Support is not about monitoring performance or constantly helping with assignments. Support is trust: knowing that the child is okay, even when things are difficult or not working out.
Children need to be certain that their mistakes will not reduce their parents' love.
Learning is always a process. When a child feels that their value does not depend on success, the fear of failure decreases and space for growth appears.
All our parental concerns are naturally tied to worry, but when a child feels loved, they gain the courage to learn, to try and to move forward.
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My son (10 years old) spends all his free time on his phone. He reacts aggressively to any request to put it away. How can I set screen-time rules without completely damaging our relationship?
I’d like to begin with an important observation.
In situations involving "parent — child — phone", the first question is always whether rules for phone use were clearly established when the child first received it (taking age into account).
Very often, these agreements were never made from the start. This is not a mistake, it is a common reality in many families.
What matters is recognizing that at age 10, a child is not yet able to fully regulate pleasure, pause or stopping. So naturally, the phone takes up more time than parents intended.
So, the first step is not to take the phone away or ban it, but to calmly restore clarity. Renegotiate rules that are clear to everyone.
I often return to the idea of boundaries that contain freedom.
Imagine a large canvas: it has limits, and within them you can create whatever you like. Children around the age of 10 need exactly these kinds of boundaries: clear time limits for phone use and defined periods without it (during meals, walks, homework, before bedtime, etc.).
This allows the child to feel trusted to make choices within the allowed time. Trust fosters trust.
As parents, we can confidently discuss boundaries together with the child, make agreements and do so not in the heat of conflict, but from a place of calm.
It’s important to remember: a child is not on his phone "instead of life" — he is there because it is easier to experience success, interest and control.
Games offer clear goals and rewards. In real life, a 10-year-old may face difficulty, anxiety or boredom. The smartphone becomes a place where it is easier to feel capable and successful.
Therefore, reducing dependence should not come through conflict and restriction, but through expanding interests, skills and areas where the child can succeed.
Talk with your child: "What do you think you do best?" "What engages you so much that you forget about time and about gadgets?"
Then "phone" rules won’t damage the relationship, because the child feels that adults are helping them with something that is still hard to manage alone. Gradually, this builds confidence in their own abilities.
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