Psychology is always about linguistics. About the meanings we place on words.

And if we look at the belief "I do not owe anything to anyone" eye to eye, it crumbles like a card house. This statement itself causes anxiety and confrontation between ourselves and the whole world.

"To anyone" is the illusion of complete autonomy. It implies that a person recognizes that he or she is autonomous in this world.

But it does not happen: we are connected from birth with parents, friends, colleagues, so this word itself is self-deception.

"Do not owe" creates an internal conflict. It is a spring that will uncoil sooner or later. Even instinctively, we have to drink water and breathe in order to survive.

Teenagers see the world in black and white, they have no shades to build their pyramid of values, needs, desires. Either a perfect relationship without effort, or a complete breakup.

Growing up is the ability to see shades and find a compromise that creates our inner psychological flexibility.

The setting "I do not owe anything to anyone" reminds of a shield, behind which hides not a warrior, but a frightened child. This shield seems reliable, but if you look closely, there are trembling hands behind it and a quiet voice that whispers: "What if they hurt me again?"

Psychologists highlight two fears that fuel this position. They are like the two ends of one line connecting us with past experience:

It’s not just the fear of staying in an empty apartment. It’s a deep-seated horror that our need for closeness may turn out to be "inappropriate".

Imagine: you wore a "strong" mask for years, and one day you heard: "You want to be hugged too, don’t you?" — and everything inside shrunk. This is how the trauma of rejection works.

You decide unconsciously: "If nobody needs me, I can not be hurt". But it is a trap: by detaching, you do not get rid of loneliness — you preserve it.

Here lies the paradox: you want relationships, but you are afraid of their "weight". As if you were given a crystal vase, and you, fearing to break it, would hid it in the cupboard. "What if I can’t support my partner?", "What if my care turns out to be unnecessary?" — these thoughts turn closeness into an exam that is frightening to fail.

But the truth is that no one is born an "expert" on relationships. The ability to take care is not an innate talent, but a skill that, like muscle, only grows in practice.

Behind the loud "I do it myself!" often hides the child’s part of the personality — the one who did not get enough warmth and then does not believe that it can be asked without shame. It is like if a child, having burned on the teapot, decided: "I will never drink hot" — even if thirst is torturing.

Maturity consists in the admission: "Yes, I’m scared, but I am ready to try". When you hide behind "I do not owe anything to anyone", you do not protect yourself — you ruin the chance of discovering that there may be someone around who will not scald but warm up.

So, we realized that total "I don’t owe" doesn’t work. But fall into another extreme — to live only for the other — is also not worth it.

The main question of modern psychology of relationships is: how to stay together, but still remain two separate, integral personalities?

The answer is in the art of flexible boundaries that resemble living membranes, not concrete walls. They let the heat through, but they filter the toxicity, allowing you to be yourself even when you’re holding someone’s hand.

Try not to say "I do not owe", but "I choose". This transfers you from the passive victim of circumstances into the active position of the author of your life.

Instead of: "I owe to listen to his problems tonight". Try: "I choose to support him tonight, because he is dear to me, but tomorrow I have my own plans, and I will tell him about it".

Ask yourself honestly: what need am I trying to protect with this phrase? Do I lack care? Vacation? Recognition? Express it to partner not as a reproach, but as a request: "You know, I really need your support/ an hour of quiet/some privacy".

It is the ability to admit with a smile your weaknesses and fears. Yes, I am afraid of being vulnerable. Yes, I do not always know how to act. And that is normal! When we stop beating ourselves up, we can calmly discuss our concerns with a close person and find a solution together.

It’s necessary to defend your boundaries. Healthy boundaries are not born of solitude. They require a dialogue — both with others and with yourself. When you once again catch yourself thinking "I do not owe anything to anyone", ask yourself: "What do I want to give this person?"