How to get out of the vicious circle of the eternal search for public approval? The psychologist shares her story of building internal support with four simple steps.
We live in a world where other people’s assessments often become the measure of our values. Social networks, work reports, parents' view — all this creates the illusion that without external confirmation we are "not good enough".
Think of Andy Sacks from the well-known movie "The Devil wears Prada" — she changes her style, habits, even her social circle to earn the approval of her boss Miranda Priestley. But the more she tries, the more she loses herself…
Think of Andy Sacks from the well-known movie "The Devil wears Prada" — she changes her style, habits, even her social circle to earn the approval of her boss Miranda Priestley. But the more she tries, the more she loses herself…
WHAT IS BEHIND THE DESIRE FOR APPROVAL
In principle, the desire for approval is a perfectly normal human instinct. An unconscious survival strategy is established in the child’s consciousness from early years of life.
These are some definite "rules of the game", transmitted by significant adults: if I study well — I will be praised, if I avoid conflict — I will not find myself in an unpleasant situation, if I want to be loved — I must behave in a certain way.
These are some definite "rules of the game", transmitted by significant adults: if I study well — I will be praised, if I avoid conflict — I will not find myself in an unpleasant situation, if I want to be loved — I must behave in a certain way.
Each such "if" is a step away from yourself, a kind of compromise that silences the true emotions and desires of person.
The desire for approval becomes a problem at the moment when a person begins to be dependent on it. If you get attention and love since childhood only at the expense of corresponding to the desires of others, and not unconditionally — the dependence is fixed at the level of thinking. Over time this suppresses the true desires of person — there remains only an endless anxious race for approval.
The personality begins to be built not on internal qualities, but by the formula "Me = my actions": The self "I" dissolves in performing socially approved acts. This distracts from the very core and even leads to deep internal conflict.
The personality begins to be built not on internal qualities, but by the formula "Me = my actions": The self "I" dissolves in performing socially approved acts. This distracts from the very core and even leads to deep internal conflict.
It’s necessary to learn the important point: you are much more than your actions. The basis of internal support is far from being based on satisfying the needs of others.
SELF-SACRIFICE OR VIRTUE?
The only way to stop having empty talk about the wrong upbringing and guilt of parents in their own attitudes is to admit to yourself that you often act out of the conviction "I will be loved if I try for others".
There is a big difference between self-sacrifice and virtue:
- In the first case, a person immerses himself into another’s life from his own emptiness and loses connection with his needs
- In the second case — he only shares attention and care for others based on inner clarity and knowledge of his boundaries. Helping others in spite of everything, ignoring your own possibilities and desires is unfair to yourself, and the sooner you realize it, the better.
HOW TO START SAVING YOURSELF AND NOT OTHERS AND MEET YOUR SELF-WORTH
1
Understand the meaning of self-worth
First of all, draw a thin line between self-esteem and self-worth. Every day I told myself: "I am not the knowledge that other people have about me. I am the knowledge of my needs". When we sort through the wardrobe for the winter season, we know exactly what things should be left and what things should be postponed until the summer.
Try to answer the following questions:
1
"What profession would make me happy?"
2
“Which people do I want to see in my life?”
3
“What do I want?”
If the task of filling the wardrobe at the moment seems easier than answering these questions, — it is time to unpack the "wardrobe of your soul", since it is the knowledge of your own needs is the basis for indestructible internal support.
2
Listen to your needs
The second point of total internal changes for me personally was to master the skill of recognizing my internal needs, not only for those around me but also for myself.
It has become clear that it is easier to hide behind "helping" others than to admit your vulnerability, fears and face anxiety. However, the false slogan "You must be constantly busy and useful" gradually leads to a dead end.
It has become clear that it is easier to hide behind "helping" others than to admit your vulnerability, fears and face anxiety. However, the false slogan "You must be constantly busy and useful" gradually leads to a dead end.
3
Remember your «yesterday» self
Oddly enough, no less important in the construction of internal support point is the comparison of your today self with your yesterday self. In the world of progressive digital technologies, while we are being inspired by endless comparisons with unattainable ideals on social networks, it is much harder not to take a total digital detox, but stop and ask yourself:
1
"What did I do for myself more qualitatively than yesterday?”
2
“What useful things have I done to fill myself and my day?”
Just a year ago, I never could have imagined that simple actions like picking the best strawberry in the store or weekly massage sessions would be considered full-fledged achievements aimed at improving my quality of life day by day.
When the focus shifts on your own growth, there is no time left for comparing yourself with others and worrying about other people’s expectations.
4
Be flexible
The last important advice for building an indestructible self-worth: a harmonious life in every sense requires emotional flexibility. Building up my own sense of self-worth, I thought about water and specifically, about its three states — solid, liquid and gaseous.
For a long time I felt so firm that even an icebreaker could not break my ice. It was necessary to learn "unfreeze": to write down painful stories that I wasn’t able to overcome for a long time. After the first tears, I felt a full spectrum of negative feelings — from anger and irritation to melancholy and frustration.
For a long time I felt so firm that even an icebreaker could not break my ice. It was necessary to learn "unfreeze": to write down painful stories that I wasn’t able to overcome for a long time. After the first tears, I felt a full spectrum of negative feelings — from anger and irritation to melancholy and frustration.
The most important thing is to allow yourself to experience different emotions, to recognize yourself in different contexts and to be able to return back to a neutral position.
In this way a person gradually moves into a state that in case water is called "gaseous", and for us, humans, it’s just a sense of lightness. This is the true encounter with yourself and your desires.
Invite Elina Landman
as a speaker
as a speaker
To request Elina Landman as a speaker for your upcoming event, please feel free to reach out via email: mail@landmanelina.com.
Elina looks forward to the opportunity to contribute to the success of your professional forum and engage with your audience in a meaningful way.
Elina looks forward to the opportunity to contribute to the success of your professional forum and engage with your audience in a meaningful way.
CONTACT
Fill out the form and or contact me
via the contacts below.
via the contacts below.
By clicking on the button, you consent to the processing of personal data and agree to the privacy policy