Each of us has an overall life script, resembling a story about ourselves and our relationships with the world.

It might sound something like this: "I live to earn the right to be happy."

Within this larger narrative, there are everyday scripts: how we start our day, how we react to conflicts, how we make decisions, and even how we rest.

Within a single life script, we learn to think, feel, and make decisions based on certain values that operate in frequently recurring circumstances. In other words, when a familiar, non-critical situation arises, our brain does not start writing a new program but follows an already established algorithm — one that feels calm and comfortable.

Let me give you an example.

During a conflict, one person may want to talk things through and reach a mutually acceptable solution. Another may take offense and withdraw into themselves. People often say of the latter: "They're so stubborn; they’ll never agree to talk things through."

The only solution he found was to withdraw into himself and run away from the problem. And so his mind remembered this behavioral pattern and began applying it to every subsequent conflict.

Very often, it is precisely episodes from our childhood that shape our future scripts, although this process is gradual. The culture a person lives in, their relationships with loved ones, and their experiences of success and failure also play a major role.

For example, someone may have learned to manipulate others at some point, and their relationships with the opposite sex may have gone well precisely because of these manipulations. The truth is, however, that this success is temporary. But the pattern has already become ingrained, and the person continues to manipulate unconsciously because it allows them to get what they want.

It turned out that when she was 14, her parents divorced, after which her mother decided to move to another city immediately, leaving their familiar life behind.

Then, as an adult, she found herself facing the fact that all her relationships came to an end quickly. As soon as a relationship reached the point where it could move to a deeper level of intimacy, Irina would become afraid, followed by self-persuasion that the relationship had run its course and it was time to move on. Then came another move and the desire to start life with a clean slate.

This psychological defense mechanism prevents Irina from obtaining precisely what she wants most: a stable relationship and a strong family.

Only fractions of a second pass between an event and our reaction: a thought arises, followed by a feeling, and then a habitual action. As long as this sequence remains unnoticed, we feel as though there is no alternative.

For example, you receive an email from your manager saying, "The project needs to be revised," and before you have even finished reading it, you start getting anxious: "I've messed everything up again." Yet the email concerns only two of the fifteen points because the company has changed its strategy.

It is useful to examine familiar thoughts such as "either it’s perfect or there’s no point" rationally. After all, there is no evidence to support them. A large task can be divided into smaller steps, and you can give each one your very best effort. Then the anxious interpretation of events ceases to be the only reality.

When something does not go according to plan, the habitual reaction is: "Everything is ruined." But life does not move along a thick line drawn in advance.

Sometimes we are so focused on reaching a goal that we make decisions only according to an already established script. It is useful to occasionally look back at past experiences, previous successes, and failures.

This brings to mind the hands of a clock: it is difficult to notice the movement of the hour hand, whereas the second hand shows us how time actually changes. In the same way, when we slow down, we begin to see changes and discover a winding but more vibrant road toward the same goal.

As long as we are alive, our script remains an unfinished book. We work with a manuscript that we are constantly revising: expanding some parts, removing others, and adapting certain passages to the present day.