Turning Toward Your Strengths
In psychoanalytic practice, conversations about a person’s strengths, talents, and natural abilities have become increasingly important. In the past, therapists primarily focused on unresolved issues rooted in the past that often led to depression. The work centered not on a person’s strengths but on pain and negative experiences.
This shift restores an important perspective: we are not made up solely of trauma, mistakes, symptoms, and dysfunctional life patterns.
Every individual possesses inner strength and unique gifts — the ability to think, to love, to create, to make difficult decisions, and to navigate life by drawing on their own capabilities.
Every individual possesses inner strength and unique gifts — the ability to think, to love, to create, to make difficult decisions, and to navigate life by drawing on their own capabilities.
For men, this perspective is especially significant.
As they mature, they ask themselves less often, "What's wrong with me?" and more often, "What is my strength?"
As they mature, they ask themselves less often, "What's wrong with me?" and more often, "What is my strength?"
It is important for many men to feel that others recognize their character, dignity, and capacity to act.
And this is where a hidden trap appears: becoming overly focused on one’s strengths.
And this is where a hidden trap appears: becoming overly focused on one’s strengths.
What happens to the qualities that do not fit neatly into the category of "strengths"?
Anyone can experience confusion without knowing what to do with it. What should we do with emotional pain? With the fear of becoming unnecessary? With exhaustion? With the realization that some situations simply cannot be handled alone and require asking for help?
Anyone can experience confusion without knowing what to do with it. What should we do with emotional pain? With the fear of becoming unnecessary? With exhaustion? With the realization that some situations simply cannot be handled alone and require asking for help?
These experiences are often pushed aside, while strengths shift into autopilot and gradually become obligations. Along the way, joy and genuine enjoyment of life begin to disappear.
When Weaknesses Make You Stronger
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Example one: control
A man is used to making decisions and solving every problem himself. "I'll figure it out. Everything will work out. The agreements will be honored."
But there are situations — for example, after difficult negotiations — when there is simply no clarity and many issues remain unresolved. At that moment, he might say: "I'm not going to pretend to myself or to others that I have all the answers. I know how to take control, and I usually understand what’s happening. But in this situation, there is no certainty."
This does not solve the problem overnight, but it restores something essential: the ability to pause, reflect, and allow uncertainty to exist. There is no need to create the illusion of total control.
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Example two: responsibility
A man openly admits that he cannot handle everything on his own. Far from being a sign of weakness, this demonstrates genuine inner strength.
Imagine that he carries responsibility for his entire family but eventually realizes that the burden has become too much. He might turn to his brother and say: "Listen, I can’t manage all of this alone anymore. Can you help me? Let’s divide the responsibility and have you take on part of it."
That moment is not a defeat. It is a relief. He has found the courage to share something difficult and meaningful with someone close to him.
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Example three: feeling needed
The fear of becoming unnecessary often emerges in the relationship between a father and his grown son. The son has grown up. He has his own social life and rarely asks his father for advice or assistance anymore. The father has become accustomed to being useful — to protecting, advising, paying for things, arranging solutions.
When that role is no longer needed, he begins asking difficult questions: "Who am I to my son if he no longer needs my love expressed through help and support?" "What is my role now if I’m no longer just the person who fixes everything?"
This is ultimately a question about emotional closeness, not simply about fatherhood. And expanding one’s role instead of clinging to an outdated identity is also a form of strength.
Positive Psychology Doesn’t Always Help
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I’ll admit it honestly: I’m not a fan of the modern version of positive psychology that tells people, "Develop your strengths. You’re already strong; your power simply hasn’t been fully unlocked yet."
What this approach overlooks is that any strength, when taken to an extreme, stops being a resource. Responsibility becomes rigid control. Honesty and straightforwardness become cruelty. Courage turns into recklessness.
What this approach overlooks is that any strength, when taken to an extreme, stops being a resource. Responsibility becomes rigid control. Honesty and straightforwardness become cruelty. Courage turns into recklessness.
Men are often socialized through rigid expectations:
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Be strong
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Solve problems independently
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Never show weakness
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Never complain
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Always keep emotions under control
These messages are usually learned within the family, especially from fathers. However, they can lead to what psychologists call normative male alexithymia — difficulty identifying, expressing, and putting emotions into words.
Why is this important? Because when people cannot verbalize what they feel, they lose access to valuable information about themselves.
In such situations, it is unhelpful to tell a man, "Learn to be weak." That sends the wrong message.
A healthier message would be: "You struggle to express your emotions. But emotions are necessary — they are a skill that allows you to see yourself more fully and more accurately. You don’t need to become softer in the sense of becoming weaker. You simply need to stop losing access to part of yourself. I know you are strong, and I can see that strength. But if you want that strength to stay alive, you also need to recognize the other parts of who you are. Don’t deny them."
A healthier message would be: "You struggle to express your emotions. But emotions are necessary — they are a skill that allows you to see yourself more fully and more accurately. You don’t need to become softer in the sense of becoming weaker. You simply need to stop losing access to part of yourself. I know you are strong, and I can see that strength. But if you want that strength to stay alive, you also need to recognize the other parts of who you are. Don’t deny them."
Strong People Can Hold Multiple Truths About Themselves
A strong person is not someone who has no weaknesses. А strong person is someone who can tolerate knowing many different truths about themselves — their qualities, limitations, characteristics, and abilities.
In practice, this might sound like: "Yes, I know how to solve difficult problems, but right now I don’t know what decision to make. I need time. I may even be afraid." Or: "I try to control everything not because I’m always right, but because I’m afraid of chaos and don’t know how to tolerate uncertainty."
When people learn to acknowledge every aspect of themselves, those qualities stop being weaknesses and instead become starting points for growth.
Complementarity: Not Replacing One Thing with Another, but Bringing Them Together
Rather than eliminating control, the goal is to combine it with trust. Rather than abandoning strength so tenderness can emerge, the goal is to allow both to coexist.
Rather than sacrificing independence in order to create intimacy, independence and responsibility should become the foundation from which a person can genuinely say: "I'm capable of asking someone else for help. I’m still a living human being, even though I’m highly self-reliant."
As a result, people become stronger. They do not lose one quality in order to gain another — they develop an entirely new capacity. This is not compromise. It is growth.
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Development doesn’t happen because you’ve mastered yet another skill and become even better — that’s actually the trap of positive psychology.
Growth happens when you stop fighting, hiding, and trying to expel the parts of yourself that once seemed inconvenient. When you stop dividing yourself into strengths and weaknesses, you finally begin to see yourself as a whole.
Growth happens when you stop fighting, hiding, and trying to expel the parts of yourself that once seemed inconvenient. When you stop dividing yourself into strengths and weaknesses, you finally begin to see yourself as a whole.
Male maturity, inner self-sufficiency, and psychological resilience begin with a simple realization: "I'm already strong enough that I no longer have to pretend or convince myself that I’m made of concrete. There is fragility within me. There is vulnerability within me. And it nourishes my strength by helping me stay connected to myself instead of becoming a machine that simply fulfills obligations."
Strength that refuses to recognize its own vulnerability eventually ceases to be alive. Mature strength is different. It knows everything about itself — its reliability as well as its uncertainty — and no longer feels the need to prove that it can do everything alone.
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Elina looks forward to the opportunity to contribute to the success of your professional forum and engage with your audience in a meaningful way.
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